(spoken)
  Good evening i'm from essex
  in case you couldn't tell
  my given name is Dickie, I come from Billericay
  and I'm doing very well
  
  had a love affair with Nina
  in the back of my Cortina
  a seasoned up hyena could not have been more obscener
  she took me to the cleaners
  and other misdemeanours
  but I got right up between her
  rum and her Ribena
  
  well, you ask Joyce and Vicki
  if candy-floss is sticky
  I'm not a blinking thicky
  I'm Billericay Dickie
  and i'm doing very well
  
  I bought a lot of brandy
  when I was courting Sandy
  took eight to make her randy
  and all I had was shandy
  another thing with Sandy
  what often came in handy
  was passing her a 'Mandy'
  she didn't half go bandy
  
  so you ask Joyce and Vicki
  if I ever took the mickey
  I'm not a flipping thicky
  I'm billeicay dickie
  and I'm doing very well
  
  I'd rondez-vouez with Janet
  quite near the Isle of Thanet
  she looked more like a gannet
  she wasn't half a prannet
  her mother tried to ban it
  her father helped me plan it
  and when I captured Janet she bruised her pomegranet
  
  so you ask Joyce and Vicki
  if i ever shaped up tricky
  I'm not a blooming thicky
  I'm Billericay Dickie
  and I'm doing very well
  
  you should never hold a candle if you don't know where it's been
  the jackpot is in the handle on a normal fruit machine
  
  so you ask Joyce and Vicki
  who's their brickie
  I'm not a common thicky
  I'm Billericay Dickie
  and I'm doing very well
  
  I know a lovely old toe-rag obliging and noblesse
  kindly, charming shag from Shoeburyness
  
  my given name is Dickie
  I come from Billericay
  I thought you'd never guess
  
  so you ask Joyce and Vicki
  a pair of squeaky chickies
  I'm not a flaming thicky I'm Billericay Dickie
  and I'm doing very well
  
  oh golly, oh gosh come and lie on the couch
  with a nice bit of posh from Burnham-on-Crouch
  
  my given name is Dickie, I come from Billericay
  and I ain't a sloutch
  
  so you ask Joyce and Vicki
  about Billericay Dickie
  I ain't an effin' thicky
  you ask Joyce and Vicki
  and I'm doing very well