My last girlfriend didn't like me thought she might be
  Most likely a dyke she just didn't excite me
  Lefty? Yeah but that was alright
  She was hotter than the sun but she just wasn't that bright
  My mistake she was more flaky than a leper colony
  I think a wooden clothespin would have been much better company
  Ass like a donkey acting funky gave her "L" now she's a flunky
  So my love for her died quicker than a batch of Sea Monkeys
  Early bird gets the worm spread your legs or spread the word
  So what if I'm not the smartest peanut in the turd
  I'm white which goes with everything but I can come in any color
  And I'm looking for the kind of girl that reminds me of my mother
  But it's hard to find a girl with a viper tattooed on her tushy
  And how many girls do you know that can play the harmonica with their pussies?
  Like em' easy and hot and sweet like a Rice Krispie Treat gee
  You know what I really want in a girl? Me
  
  I need to find a new vagina
  Any kind of new vagina
  It's hard to rhyme a word like vagina
  Calvin Klein? Kind of North Carolina
  
  Women are like dog doo hear me through don't interrupt
  It's just the older that they are the easier they get to pick-up
  I'd fill the generation gap clean the cobwebs from her rafters
  Old hens would rather put out than be put out to the pasture
  No age just ain't a gauge I like my girls like my cheese
  Preferably for me fat-free American singles only
  I want my next chick anorexic the winner is the thinner
  Won't have to take her skinny ass out to a fancy dinner
  Like Sizzler she got a beef we'll chew the fat
  If I forget to put the seat up I can put up with her crap
  Let her lash out and crack the whip but not in bed I don't play rough
  No I can't be tied down with a girl that wants me tied up
  Just independent like NOFX smart like Janeane Garafolo
  She'd use big words to make fun of me so that I would never know
  Bestow upon me all her wisdom of the Dewey Decimal System gee
  You know what I really want in a girl? Me
  
  I need to find a new vagina
  Any kind of new vagina
  It's hard to rhyme a word like vagina
  Kevin Klein? Kind of South Carolina
  
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