I`m naked at an
  award ceremony
  I`m hiding behind Jarvis Cocker and he´s eating canapés
  I`ve got a laser pen
  and I`m shining it on Salman Rushdie´s forehead like that
  Missing Brian May´s hair by a fraction
  Yeah, I`m naked, but nobody seems to mind
  Record company execs tuck into their meat and two veg
  I wince but carry on with a tall story about tapestry
  The theme tune to "Howard´s Way"
  Plays gleefully in the backround
  And everybody taps their feet
  Meat Loaf wets himself he´s gotta leave
  So I`m asked to fill this place in the show
  I duet with a chauffeur
  Who´s driving Whitney Houston or somebody like that
  We sing "Abide With Me" at the top of our voices
  To my surprise i get an erection
  Not a full-one erection like Jeff Stryker
  but a timid Aled Jones sort of affair
  Anyway, my singing partner is appalled and leaves the stage
  Through the medium of dance
  I explain what Shirley Bassey`s back garden looks like
  Brings the house down
  Everyone gets cold and leaves